"I Have Sinned"

Hi! Here's a piece that was published through Sarah Lawrence College last summer after I attended their annual Writer's Week, and included in my book, Wise by Nature. Happy reading!

“Forgive me father, for I have sinned”

are powerful words, begging at the knees

of a celibate man in a white gown

whom I could confess murder to

and he’d tell me one Hail Mary,

two of the Apostles Creed and an Our Father

and I’ll be absolved of my grief.

I never understood the meaning of confession, why does it matter

if god is omniscient,

omnipotent,

omnibenevolent,

doesn’t he already know what I did,

why I’m sorry,

if I’m sorry?

What authority does this random man have

to tell me if god actually forgives me.

Why does saying out loud “I’m sorry”

forgive me?

If murderers say they’re sorry, they still deserve the sentence.

I don’t know why I confess at an uncomfortable alter

Saturday mornings at 9 am

in the church where I had my first kiss,

I hope god forgives me for that one,

I should’ve done that in my home, not his.

Does he know I’m sorry for eating cheerios during mass when I was six and bored,

The gospel isn’t appealing when I can’t spell “Jesus” yet

but I liked the stories.

Sometimes I wonder if God is sorry, too.

For saying that Eve was made from Adam’s rib,

for instilling that subordinate position upon women.

Does he look at his mother Mary and say, “You’re below me? You’re my rib?

and you should’ve been forced to birth me at thirteen, I don’t care if you wanted to?”

Does he confess for the violence he indirectly caused,

the hatred spewed onto his sheep for loving someone of the same gender or for who they

identify as.

Does God care that his words are skewed for a hateful narrative?

Were they really skewed, or does that just help me sleep at night knowing God still likes me.

Does God want the gay people to beg for forgiveness for who God designed them to be?

Does God destroy his stained glass windows of devotion if they’re a rainbow?

Does God feel sorry for the world we created, the hatred based in his scripture?

Does God exist?

Is God mad that sometimes I doubt it?

Forgive me father, for I have sinned,

I have chosen compassion over your word,

hoping you’ll be proud if you’re up there,

hoping I’m doing the right thing if you’re not.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Nxmaub1srofAzGUA2Odh3PrOWCfz8LG9/view?usp=sharing

and here's a sunset from this summer!