A letter I never got to send

It was just about four years ago when we met. I became fixated on you after you crashed my house party. My best friend and I fought over you, and we never tend to do that with guys.

I don’t know if you remember the details of that night well. I don’t, but I remember what followed after. I remember staying up late to call you and counting down the days to see you. I remember sneaking out of my parent’s house- something I’d never done before.

I remember meeting you at the park at night and just talking. I’d never been as comfortable around someone as I was around you. I remember ending things because when your friends came around, you acted different. I remember you wanting me back for two months, and I wasn’t good at keeping to myself.

I thought you’d always be someone I’d find myself going back to. The ultimate situationship, after the fights and “I love you”s, I’d always find my way back home to you. I did, for a couple of months.

I remember getting a call and being told to sit down for it. I was told you were in a coma after being hit by a car. I thought you’d persevere, you always did.

I remember checking my phone and it had an unread text from you. I knew you’d respond eventually, so I texted you back.

I waited months for the news I wanted, but not the news that came. I was taunted by my peers, I was told that me not committing led you to do this to yourself. I found out scrolling on social media.

If I knew you would’ve died, I would’ve done so many things differently.

I still text you, but now you’re the one who never texts back. I sat in the back row of a wake because I didn’t feel like I deserved to face  you.

I still dream about you and all of my regrets. I’m sorry. I miss you, and I feel it a little differently every day. Sometimes it comes out when I meet someone new, and wonder if my last action to them will haunt me as well. It comes out when I see a tall brunette boy with a kind smile and good heart, despite being misguided.

I wish you knew that I loved you despite it all.