Q

Q has stood for “questioning” to me for a very long time. I never quite understood if I liked men, although I was overly confident that I like women. I liked the idea of a heteronormative life, but was raised knowing that I could choose my own future and path outside of gender norms.

I questioned if I was bisexual in seventh grade, when women liking women was something introduced to me, and I realized that I didn’t have to like men. I was overly confident knowing that I do in fact, like women.

I think I’ve questioned if I like men forever, and the answer isn’t quite clear to me. It feels like a crime to revert from using the term “lesbian” to “queer” to “unlabeled”, although I know deep down it’s all normal. I finally got comfortable using the L word, and realized that it might just not be the label for me. That’s okay.

I went on a date with a man on Saturday to see how it would feel, and it felt half right and half wrong. It felt wrong seeing the queer people in my life turn against me for going out with a man, because even if he identifies as queer, we are still a heteronormative couple. Part of me enjoyed it, and part of me felt more validated in my identity as a queer woman if I was exclusively with women. It’s a weird internalized borderline heterophobia that’s occurred because of my former identification with the “lesbian” label.

As someone who’s grown up a know-it-all, it’s hard to just not know. It’s irritating and annoying, and I want more than anything to just know, but I have a feeling that this is it. The discontentment, the lack of a label. I don’t think I’m going to find a label I fit with more than queer, and I don’t think I should have to. I’m no longer afraid of being called a lesbian, but I just don’t think that’s who I am. That’s okay.

This is so atypical from anything I’ve written before, but April marks that I’ve officially felt this weird way about my sexuality for around a year, and I’ve tried on so many labels in this time. I’m here and queer, and I don’t feel the need to owe anyone more of an explanation on it. I hope this can help someone else who feels the same way I do.

Best,

Sam